And to think I harassed this man on the L train

VG Merchandise

Mike L wants to make sure you read through the whole sales pitch...

Vincent Gallo's Sperm

$1 Million

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

**Clicking "Buy Now" will charge a $1,000 deposit via Paypal. The remaining balance will be due by cashiers check, wire transfer, or personal check and is due within seven days of purchase date. Item will ship when full payment has cleared.

That time of year again

Well fans, it's exam time. And we all know what that means...its SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AND OUTLANDISH BEHAVIOR TIME!!! That's right, December is a time for channeling all that pent up academic anxiety into a raging torrent of orphic outward expression and guilty pleasures. I mean, we're going to get those essays done in time, it just won't be pretty, that's all. For all you slackers out there, enjoying your extended hours of writer's block and late night trips to the deli for more coffee, keep in mind that you are part of a warm and loving community of equals, who want nothing more than to give you a beer bong hit and tell you to loosen up. In that vain, keep in mind that this saturday night should be a healthy addition to your regimen of academic success.

So awesome

Jackson's Kong is jaw droppingly brilliant

Who made this meat grinder?

Death toll from road accidents 390 times that from terrorism: study. What this means is that the infrastructure, equipment, and planning that goes into the daily transport of this nation's meat citizens is grinding more meat than the evil and looming meat grinders of radical islam. 390 times more. If there were 390 terrorist attacks like that of Sept. 11th, I would be so pissed. I would really really insist upon taking the necessary action to find accountable those who are responsible, even if that were an individual, company, or government administration in my own country. I guess the auto industry and highway department, like capitalism itself, place the meat agent "in the driver's seat" when it comes to his own well being. Any shortcoming in the system is the fault of the driver himself, his own inadequacies, his own irresponsibility. Unlike terrorism, of course, something the innocent meat agent is defenseless against without the help of his nations military and its corporate contractors.